Smile You're On Candid-- Fuck You, Get Down On The Ground! or Ancient Chinese Secret

I heard this story on NPR today and I thought, "Hey, lady, that's a cool idea." Then I thought, man, she'd probably doesn't like me calling her lady. So I made up a new thought in which I envisioned her as a giant marshmallow cloud. Not that she's fat... Oh, shit, nevermind.

Anyway, after hearing the story I started to think that maybe I could do what she did. Norm's Hollywood Tours. Here's how it works: You go to a bar or a club or a Ralphs and dial a number on your cell phone to listen to a guided tour -- just like at a museum but better because it's about me.

So, welcome to the produce aisle. To your left are the green peppers. Feel underneath the bottom of the display...

Yeah. I put that there. Gross, huh?

On the right next to the Granny Smith Apples is where my ex-girlfriend castrated me in front of a stockboy...

You get the idea. I can't wait to get started on this right away. In the meantime, listen to how this woman strikes back at the evil global empire of Wal-Mart. Seriously, these guys really need to hire a publicist. I hear Tom Cruise recently let one go.

real audio clip from Marketplace



Additionally, if you have time and like Kurt Vonnegut, this is an amazing interview with him from today's episode of Bookworm


real audio interview from Bookworm